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Wot gets me goat, though? Them snobs who reckon it’s low-class. Oi, mate, loosen up! Had me ragin’ once—some toff in Westminster bangin’ on about “decency,” while I’m like, “Bruv, chill, it’s just a massage with extras!” Happy as a pig in muck, I’d be, sprawled out, oil drippin’, some bird whisperin’ sweet nothings. Surprised me, too—didn’t expect it’d be so… posh-like? Thought it’d be all seedy, but nah, some places are swanky—marble floors, the lot!

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We start playing, and I’m running like a maniac. I’m not even good at soccer, but the adrenaline is pumping. I score a goal, and I’m like, “Yesss!” But then, I trip over my own feet and faceplant. Classic me. Everyone’s laughing, and I’m just lying there, thinking, “This is my life now.”

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